Friday Update

The Shaving of the Hair took over my world this weekend, but many friends asked about blood work from Friday.  It all looked great and even better than expected!  So that means we are on track for Friday's round of cocktails.  Another doc appt this Thursday to review everything and back on Friday for more.  I do have to say that I will be crying on Friday, though - this week chemo will keep me from Jazz Fest and Adam Levine.  Waah, waah, waah! 

Call Me Ripley

So it's official.  You may now call me Ripley.  I like to think of myself as Ripley whooping aliens, her bald head gleaming from the exertion of the asskicking given to the creatures around her.  Aliens sound like way more fun than cancer but I hope to kill everything in the first installment and not have to go for two sequels to get there. 

The million dollar question that everyone has asked today is how I feel about it.  When the hair started falling out, I was certain that I would shave.  I got ready to do it and just couldn't.  There was a bit of denial there...you know, maybe it won't ALL fall out...maybe it will stop falling out...maybe today is the day that I won't lose any more.  Fat chance.  Each day it would fall out a little at a time, and then over the last week it was raining down in bigger and bigger clumps (and then piles.)  That can be pretty disconcerting, to say the least.  I haven't really felt or looked like I was "sick" in any way, but suddenly I was looking in the mirror, seeing my intensely white scalp through the slender threads of hair still on my head.  No possible denial there.  So what's a girl to do? 

For me, shaving it today was actually empowering.  It was something that I could control and made me feel liberated.  No more waiting for it to fall out.  Now I can wait for it to grow back!  Meanwhile, let's count all the wonderful things about being hairless because the only hair remaining on my body is now my eyebrows and eyelashes (at least for now.) 

• The feeling of warm water on your head (without hair in the way) feels quite delightful and incredibly relaxing.   (I bet a scalp massage would send me off the deep end!)    
• It takes me no time to get ready now.
• My bathroom counter is clutter free - no combs, brushes, hairdryer, flat iron, or hair products. 
• I will save lots of money on shampoo.  (My hairdresser got me addicted to this amazing shampoo, which of course costs a fortune!)  
• I will also save money on waxing.  (While I do still have eyebrows, no new hair has grown, so I don't even have to pluck.)   
• I save time in the shower.  No need to shave my legs! 

As I said goodbye to my hair today, I was sad for only one reason.  It was the end of a relationship between my husband and my hair that has been so loving and sweet that I was sad to see it end.  When all the fun started in February, I was unable to wash my hair because I didn't have use of my left arm.  He would not only wash it for me, but he watched my hairdresser once so that he could learn to dry it the way I wanted.  (Yes, he even learned to use a round brush to straighten it!)  Today when I asked him to shave it, he did it without even thinking about it or questioning me.  He just knew I was ready.  Grand gestures are always lovely, but it's these little things that make you feel enveloped in love.  If your partner has never washed your hair, try it some time.  It can be quite intimate.

Now I've come to the end of Day 1, and I know that the decision was the right one.  My concern was that I thought I knew how I would feel about it after the fact, but you certainly can't control how you feel, and what if I did it and felt horrible afterward?  Well, thank goodness that didn't happen.  I do feel great about the decision and who in the world would have predicted that?!  I'm learning all sorts of information about myself as the journey unfolds. 

Signing off for now,
Ripley

The Breakfast Club

I am a nerdy fan of the social sciences and love to read all the current research about what makes us human. I especially love all the recent studies about brains, well-being, and close relationships.  There's all sorts of weird numbers like the idea that each happy friend that you have increases your chance of happiness by 9%.  There's also research about the kinds of connections that you have with your friends and how those that meet certain criteria have been associated with greater mental health, greater overall well-being, and lengthier lives.  I think it's why women often live longer than men.  Women get together with the goal of having intimate conversations, while men tend to have different reasons if they do get together.  

So I've been thinking about all this since I had breakfast with some good friends this weekend.  These are the exact kinds of friends that research says will keep you healthy....the kind that you have made memories with, stories to retell, with you to celebrate the good times, support you in the hard times, make you feel safe and secure, make you laugh....whenever we get together there is lots of laughing and shrieking and sometimes tears, too.  But to me the greatest thing about friendships like these is that anything at all can come out of my mouth and they will not judge me in any way.  Whatever I say and feel is okay, and there is nothing like being yourself - your real authentic Self - not the polite self, not the self that has to censor what is said or how it's said, not the self that talks about some things and not others.  With these galpals, I can just be me.

On this particular morning a story came out of my mouth that I couldn't believe I'd said out loud.  It's one thing to think something in your head, but very different once you speak the words and send them out into the universe.  I was overwhelmed by it but they didn't bat an eye; they both hugged me and the looks on their faces said it all.  They got it.  They understood me and my emotion.  No judging.  They know me - the Real Me.  And they love me. 

So here's a little thank you for them and for all the amazing people in my life who are comfortable letting me be myself, especially right now when my Self can change so rapidly from moment to moment. 

Thank you for letting me be myself...(click this link.)

Friday Update

Friday was a blood work check and all looks fine.  Some counts are low as expected, and others are lower than expected so those will be watched closely.  (I'm not sure my docs can watch me any more closely than they already are, though; it's like having your body under a microscope 24/7.)  Anyway, it just explains the tiredness that comes over me suddenly.  There is a bit of nausea that comes and goes, too, but Coke Icees work wonders. 

The hair is becoming a memory as it continues to fall and fall and fall.  I don't feel like shaving it right now and have opted to let nature take its course instead.  That can change, though; there is a little trace of bipolar tendencies that seem to accompany me on this journey so what I want one moment can easily change with the next instant!  Those around me will just have to suck it up and try to keep up! 

Tangled vs. G.I. Jane

"Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man, there's your diamond in the rough."        - Larry David  

(And a confident bald woman???)

Before we get to Baldness and sexy G.I. Jane, let's take it one step at a time....To shave or not to shave...that is the question...what would you do?  The keep-you-well drugs, which make you sick, kill off your hair cells so the question becomes what to do with a head full of dead hair that hasn't fallen out yet?

Well, the good news is that I won't have long to decide because clumps fall out continuously.  So, is the bad news that I can really be okay with losing the breasts I was born with but not okay with losing the hair on my head?  It's certainly another adjustment.  For now, the scarves are getting a work out and the wig is waiting in the wings.  I think I do want to just shave it off because it is oh so irritating to have a layer of hair all over you that is simply clinging to your clothes.  Stay tuned.   

PS - Wanting to leave you with uplifting images of hairlessness, think Ryan Gosling's chest.  Yowza!  

The Hangover, Part 2

Last Friday was a cocktail day and overall it was much better than round one!  First of all, I was much more relaxed since I knew what to expect.  That in itself was huge.  I knew where to sit (the wall is best rather than within the circle because week one I ended up having to play with others when I really just wanted to remain in isolation*), I knew when to go to the bathroom (definitely easier before they hook up my port), and I knew exactly how long each bag of meds would take (I wrote it down last time.)  I went to bed on Friday feeling quite lethargic but the hangover didn't really kick in fully until Saturday.  The great news is that the nausea, headaches, and lethargy weren't as overwhelming as they were the first time.  So now it's Tuesday and I'm ready to rejoin the world again.  Two more** of these rounds now seem doable! 

(*I can chat it up with the best of them, but for me, getting into my own zone is best when I'm forced to deal with this stuff directly.  One of the gifts of being older and wiser is knowing yourself.) 

(**There are only two more of these harsh rounds over the next six weeks.  There are more cocktails after that for a total of 52 weeks but they are supposed to be lighter fare.)  

Heroes on the Journey

Dr. Deborah Rhodes is one of my heroes.  I came across her name in an article and then watched her TED Talk.  Please watch and be informed if you still have the breasts you were born with! 

Watch Dr. Rhodes by clicking here. 

Recent FAQs

Q:  How much weight have you lost?  Are you eating? 
A:  Yes, I promise I am eating, and I've only actually lost about five pounds.  It just looks like more on my frame.  My appetite returned about a week after the last round of chemo, and I can now eat anything and everything (and I have.)  For some reason I haven't put the weight back on, but blame that on the toxins they are pumping into my body and no running.  (Mush weighs way less than muscle.)  

Q:  Will your hair fall out?  Do you have a wig?
A:  My hair is expected to fall out and has begun to do so already.  I don't know if it will just get thinner or fall out more drastically but stay tuned.  No, I don't have a wig right now.  To me that would be like buying a wedding dress when I hadn't met the groom yet.  I don't know how it will look, feel, etc. so I will wait and see.  But I do like the idea of a pink wig:)

Q:  Do you have good health insurance?
A:  Luckily, we have fabulous health insurance thanks to my hubby's terrific company.  We are fully covered and have no worries in this department.  I can't imagine the stress that people go through with a health issue and mounting debt because they are forced to pay for treatment out of pocket or even worse, have to skip treatment due to their finances.  Life just shouldn't work that way and humans shouldn't treat other humans that way.  It's so simple.  And seriously?  There are really people who believe our healthcare system is working as is...they must never get sick or they have millions and don't care about those who don't.  This stresses me out more than cancer....I need to meditate.     
     By the way, something to check about your plan...call me Pollyanna, but I was under the impression that once you paid your premiums and met your deductible the insurance would cover the rest.  How naive of me - that would make too much sense.  I have since lost my innocence and learned that of course they do not cover the rest.  Only if you have chosen to pay for that particular coverage.  Because my health is their business and they need to make as much money off of me (and you) as they can.  Which means that they are banking on me NOT having the full coverage, so they can say, "Actually, no.  There is a ceiling, which you have reached, so now the bills bounce back to you."  Like I said, we are fully covered but my heart did skip a beat just reading the form letter.  Check your breasts and check your plan! 

Let's talk about something more relaxing....

Q:  How often will you have chemo?
A:  If levels look okay, cocktails will be every 21 days with this Friday being the next round.

Friday Update

Sorry the Friday update is not being posted on Friday but I am feeling well and have been taking advantage of it!  It's amazing how a diagnosis like this can change your perspective on everything.  Totally true - I was excited about doing laundry this week.  It was the first time I had done laundry since the February phone call (yes, my husband and mom are that fabulous!) so doing a load of laundry took on a whole new significance.  It meant...
     Being a cancer patient does not define who I am this week. 
     I can take care of myself.
     I can take care of my family.  And anyone who knows me well enough knows that I am not fond of being dependent on anyone - this week I am contributing to the world instead of only taking from it.  It's been a great week! 

Friday blood work looked better than expected, which means we are on track for next week's round of cocktails.  I will meet with my oncologist on Thursday to review all the results and if it looks as good as it does now I will have the second round of cocktails on Friday, 4/12.  

Distractions on the Journey

One of my addictions and great distractions are TED Talks.  Here's a favorite...

Click to view Candy Chang's TED Talk.

Like Candy Chang, I am in love with New Orleans and get it when she says,
"My soul is always soothed by the giant live oak trees, shading lovers, drunks, and dreamers for hundreds of years."