I had a birthday recently and so many great reasons to celebrate.
After all, here I am, healthy in mind, body, and spirit. I stopped
celebrating years ago, always thinking what's the fuss. Been there,
done that, right? But that was pre-BC.
Now it's more like, "Start the party! Bring the wine (or cocktail of
choice!) Here I am!" There are reasons to celebrate every day. I
think little kids have the right idea; I shall be celebrating half
birthdays, too!
Cancer changes your perspective
on everything from birthdays to a government shut down. I now have
little tolerance for self-inflicted wounds or the intolerance of other
people. Like Tim McGraw
says, if tomorrow was a gift, what would you do with it? Most people
are not fortunate enough to face that question and come out on the other
side unscathed in order to enjoy the gift. I am grateful for This
Birthday and all those that are to come (including the half
versions)...let me count the ways...
Thirteen Things I am grateful to be without...
bleeding gums and other mouth issues
dry eyes (the kind where your lids actually stick together)
nausea/vomiting/diarrhea
an upset stomach when I eat
an upset stomach when I don't eat
an upset stomach when dairy comes near
tiredness
lethargy
exhaustion
night sweats
insomnia
a scalp that hurts to touch (even when you place it ever so gently on a pillow)
HAIR LOSS!!!!
What remains is very easy but continues to be a weird mix of chemo-randomness - toxic fingernails that are quickly growing out, joint pain in my ankles and sometimes wrists, and neuropathy
in hands and feet which does get better every day. (I wore shoes one
day this week for the first time in months; yes, I am also grateful that
I work in a place where I can wander around in socks instead of shoes
and people not only think it's great but they give me presents of
socks-they-think-I-will-love!)
My cancerous scarlet letter is fading as the hair begins to grow. I have eyebrows, eyelashes, and a scalp akin to a Chia
pet, only jet black rather than green. I realize that in a few months
the hair will be long enough where people will begin to think that I
simply have a short hair cut. I wonder what it will be like when there
is no outward sign of my canceriffic
life. Will it be like getting used to not being pregnant any more? If
you've never been pregnant, when you have a huge belly and a growing
baby the public adores you. People become nicer, friendlier, willing to
share stories - they see you as a kindred spirit if they are a parent,
and they want to protect you, help you, coddle you. Life is similar as a
chemo patient because you wear that scarlet letter on your bald head
and once again, much of the public views you with empathy and warmth.
(A side note - Alas, some people do not fit this description and view
you freakishly; these people deserve the tongue lashing that they get. I
feel it's my duty to educate them.)
"That was the
worst thing about having cancer, sometimes: the physical evidence of
disease separates you from other people. We were irreconcilably other..." -John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
So
what will life morph into in the coming hairy months? Stay tuned.
Right now I will ride the cancer gravy train while the world sees me as
The Cancer Patient, first and foremost. You can't fight the tide all
the time. Meanwhile, I continue to have treatment every three weeks,
take a new pill daily, and I see a slew of docs on a regular basis to
ensure that nothing to keep me cancer-free will cause some other
variation. So far so good and luckily I love my team of amazing MDs.
Also, the countdown to mastectomy #2 continues - about a month away!
My teenage daughter recently recommended a book that I read twice in succession because it was that good. John Green's The Fault in Our Stars
is an intense, emotional read and hard to believe that that's what the
adolescent crowd is reading these days. For better or worse, today's
teens are incredibly sophisticated. It is a story of first love that
also happens to revolve around terminal illness and is incredibly deep
and powerful as it reflects on the meaning of life and love. It was a
book that stuck with me long after the reading, and I collected many
quotes from it, like the one above. Green's protagonist notes, "Sometimes
it seems the universe wants to be noticed." Yes, indeed. I now notice
The Universe like never before. Happy Birthday to me and to you!
