The world was all abuzz this week over the birth of a baby. One baby
boy in particular. One prince that will lead a life surrounded by
wealth, luxury, and power. On the day of his birth, I came across
another baby who had a very different life. Stopping at a red light, I
pulled my car up behind a van and noticed the Nevada license plate.
Then I read the sticker across the back windshield in honor of Connor
Dean Lawrence. As I sat there thinking about who Connor might have
been, I saw the dates and even my chemo-brain could count to two.
Connor was only two when he died. I have no idea why but I was
compelled to find out how he had died. I was actually thinking that he
must have had some horrible childhood form of cancer, and I was grateful
at that moment that I had been the one diagnosed with it and not my
children. But Connor was not killed by any disease; he was killed at
the hands of "his mother's estranged husband," said the Internet. (The
murderer is currently serving a life sentence without parole.) That
brings me back to the first thoughts I had on beginning this journey:
life is so random. One baby is born into such privilege and another
baby is brutally murdered. I have the potential to walk away from this
completely unscathed, while some of my cocktail buddies can't even
receive their treatments because their blood counts don't allow it. (I
hadn't even realized that this is, of course, a possibility each week;
it has just never happened to me.) Baby George & Baby Connor. Me & those whose journeys are not so light.
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...it was the season
of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it
was the winter of despair..."
- Charles Dickens
So
my journey continues and I am grateful to be in "the season of light
and the spring of hope." I have four weeks to go and the worst part is
the insomnia and upset stomachs, not much to complain about in the grand
scheme of things. AND my hair appears to be coming in! Although my
head looks like the back of a baby elephant, there do appear to be
little sprouts, even while the eyebrows and eyelashes continue to fall
out. Randomness all around. And plenty of gratitude.
I leave you with another of my favorite TED Talks. Click here to watch Tania Luna.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
July's Latest Update
Things continue to roll along pretty smoothly. I am officially halfway through the second round and look forward to this Friday because it will be number 7 out of 12! So much of this battle is psychological so it helps to say it's halfway over and then chemo will be done. Round 2 almost over! Meanwhile, there are no major side effects to speak of. Nothing that knocks me out but rather a host of itty bitty irritants...eyelid twitching, sensitive stomach, night sweats, continued hair loss, insomnia...there are meds for the side effects of the meds already taken, but I have no desire to put more meds into a body that is already full of 'em.
Instead I do things like stay awake all night and watch educational shows at 2am like Honey Boo Boo and Duck Dynasty. Interesting. I think about things like common themes...(you'd think that I was writing a thesis or something, although I'm sure there is a sociology program out there that would grant me a PhD for it...) Both of these shows ultimately depict two families that love each other and love being together. They have fun, take care of each other, and laugh a lot - a great recipe for happiness. Many American families could learn a lot from them. (You just have to ignore the fart jokes and potty talk and lots of other stuff!) I've also enjoyed the naked shows on the Discovery Channel - Naked & Afraid, Naked Castaway - no, I'm not making those titles up - in the middle of the night they are quite entertaining. Much more so than the show about the bubonic plague that I got caught up in on the History Channel. (Did you know that in dealing with the Black Death in Europe thousands of Jews were killed as those in power thought they might win God's favor by doing so? I learned some gruesome facts that made it even harder to sleep after that.)
Lest you think I am squandering my remaining brain cells on TV all summer, please know that reading is my primary task these days. While I'm not lethargic the way I was with round 1, the weekly cocktails keep me on the edge of tiredness all the time. I am more than happy to crawl into bed with a good book at any time of day, and I've gotten through quite a few over the last few weeks. I am grateful for the time to let my body rest whenever it needs to and for the workings of my brain which finds reading possible and enjoyable again.
As I countdown to August 23rd and The Last Cocktail, I am also excited about the next phase, the second mastectomy. I recently met with my oncologist and my plastic surgeon, and we are beginning to talk about future possibilities. The plan is finish with chemo, get all my counts back to normal and give my body a rest, and then complete the mastectomy as soon as possible after that. I am also done with echocardiograms, which means that my heart is strong and survived chemo! It feels like there is an end to the journey in sight!
Instead I do things like stay awake all night and watch educational shows at 2am like Honey Boo Boo and Duck Dynasty. Interesting. I think about things like common themes...(you'd think that I was writing a thesis or something, although I'm sure there is a sociology program out there that would grant me a PhD for it...) Both of these shows ultimately depict two families that love each other and love being together. They have fun, take care of each other, and laugh a lot - a great recipe for happiness. Many American families could learn a lot from them. (You just have to ignore the fart jokes and potty talk and lots of other stuff!) I've also enjoyed the naked shows on the Discovery Channel - Naked & Afraid, Naked Castaway - no, I'm not making those titles up - in the middle of the night they are quite entertaining. Much more so than the show about the bubonic plague that I got caught up in on the History Channel. (Did you know that in dealing with the Black Death in Europe thousands of Jews were killed as those in power thought they might win God's favor by doing so? I learned some gruesome facts that made it even harder to sleep after that.)
Lest you think I am squandering my remaining brain cells on TV all summer, please know that reading is my primary task these days. While I'm not lethargic the way I was with round 1, the weekly cocktails keep me on the edge of tiredness all the time. I am more than happy to crawl into bed with a good book at any time of day, and I've gotten through quite a few over the last few weeks. I am grateful for the time to let my body rest whenever it needs to and for the workings of my brain which finds reading possible and enjoyable again.
As I countdown to August 23rd and The Last Cocktail, I am also excited about the next phase, the second mastectomy. I recently met with my oncologist and my plastic surgeon, and we are beginning to talk about future possibilities. The plan is finish with chemo, get all my counts back to normal and give my body a rest, and then complete the mastectomy as soon as possible after that. I am also done with echocardiograms, which means that my heart is strong and survived chemo! It feels like there is an end to the journey in sight!
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Second Round Update
Version 2.0 continues to roll along and life is good! I'll go in for the third treatment tomorrow (3 out of 12), so I continue to count down with no nausea, headaches, or real sickness to speak of. In addition, some of my brain is coming back to life so the journey has begun to lighten in several ways!
My attention span and short term memory were hijacked by chemo many moons ago. The scientific term for this is "chemo-brain." (No, not really, but it should be.) Its quite unnerving to be an avid reader who suddenly can't get through a sentence. To find that once you could read four books at once but seemingly overnight you wouldn't be able to keep track of the antics of Dick and Jane. Luckily my Dickens book club is on summer break anyway, and I am not quite ready for non-fiction, which I typically love. But I have eased back into fiction and have fallen in love with reading again. Not only that, but I have fallen in love with libraries and with turn-the-pages-smelling-of-musty-linen real-life books!
Since I bought a Kindle I haven't read any other way unless it was on my iPad. But just in case I was actually unable to finish a book, I decided to hit the library instead. (Side note: I've never been a fan of libraries. I know - sounds weird for a reader but a bibliophile such as me likes to own, collect, possess, reread at a moment's notice. You want to see it on your shelf, touch it...and then you run out of room! So the Kindle then comes in quite handy because you still get to own it, refer back to it, and even zoom in on your favorite highlights.) But since this was experimental I hit the library instead and fell head over heels. I rediscovered some old flames like Wally Lamb, Pat Conroy, and John Irving, and my current love is Khaled Hosseini. I am enjoying turning every page and so grateful that I want to. I look for evidence of the "old me" wherever I can, and it feels so good to have this part of me back again!
“I cannot remember a time when I was not in love with them--with the books themselves, cover and binding and the paper they were printed on, with their smell and their weight and with their possession in my arms, captured and carried off to myself.”
-Eudora Welty
My attention span and short term memory were hijacked by chemo many moons ago. The scientific term for this is "chemo-brain." (No, not really, but it should be.) Its quite unnerving to be an avid reader who suddenly can't get through a sentence. To find that once you could read four books at once but seemingly overnight you wouldn't be able to keep track of the antics of Dick and Jane. Luckily my Dickens book club is on summer break anyway, and I am not quite ready for non-fiction, which I typically love. But I have eased back into fiction and have fallen in love with reading again. Not only that, but I have fallen in love with libraries and with turn-the-pages-smelling-of-musty-linen real-life books!
Since I bought a Kindle I haven't read any other way unless it was on my iPad. But just in case I was actually unable to finish a book, I decided to hit the library instead. (Side note: I've never been a fan of libraries. I know - sounds weird for a reader but a bibliophile such as me likes to own, collect, possess, reread at a moment's notice. You want to see it on your shelf, touch it...and then you run out of room! So the Kindle then comes in quite handy because you still get to own it, refer back to it, and even zoom in on your favorite highlights.) But since this was experimental I hit the library instead and fell head over heels. I rediscovered some old flames like Wally Lamb, Pat Conroy, and John Irving, and my current love is Khaled Hosseini. I am enjoying turning every page and so grateful that I want to. I look for evidence of the "old me" wherever I can, and it feels so good to have this part of me back again!
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“I cannot remember a time when I was not in love with them--with the books themselves, cover and binding and the paper they were printed on, with their smell and their weight and with their possession in my arms, captured and carried off to myself.”
-Eudora Welty
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Cocktails 2.0
The new round of cocktails has begun. Version 2.0 is quite lovely compared to the first mix! I went in about 10am and left about 3pm. I have to admit that I did feel nauseous while I was there, but I think it was just anxiety about what was to come. (Have I mentioned that I've watched 3 people get carried out on stretchers while I've been there for chemo? It's quite unsettling and has made my anxiety increase over time. But don't worry, there's a drug for that, too!) They loaded me with enough drugs to knock me out, and following treatment I went right home and slept it off. The great news is that I didn't feel many side effects at all so I am thrilled about that.
Now, the cumulative side effects are really getting old, and I am so bored with all the physical stuff. I try not to think about them too much because no one issue is really a big deal, but focusing on your body all the time is just tedious and dull. Amazingly enough, as wacky as the side effects can be, the fact that there is something new every day has become very predictable....a lovely purple hue under my fingernails, eyelashes falling out, uncomfortably dry eyes...blah blah blah. I wouldn't wish this on anyone 'cause it sure ain't fun, but can someone please tell Angelina that mastectomies are the EASY part? Looking forward to my second!
Now, the cumulative side effects are really getting old, and I am so bored with all the physical stuff. I try not to think about them too much because no one issue is really a big deal, but focusing on your body all the time is just tedious and dull. Amazingly enough, as wacky as the side effects can be, the fact that there is something new every day has become very predictable....a lovely purple hue under my fingernails, eyelashes falling out, uncomfortably dry eyes...blah blah blah. I wouldn't wish this on anyone 'cause it sure ain't fun, but can someone please tell Angelina that mastectomies are the EASY part? Looking forward to my second!
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Update & The New Leg of the Journey
Sorry for the very late Friday update. I think I missed several Fridays, in fact, but the life of a teacher is crazy in May! Throw chemo in there and life really gets exciting! We are still in the midst of faculty meetings, etc. so I'm not done yet but wanted to post a quick update.
My last chemo round (#4) was definitely better than the previous one. Although it always knocks me on my tush, I didn't want to crawl out of my skin like I did for #3. #4 lasted about the same number of days (Friday through Tuesday), and I started coming back to life Tuesday afternoon. That was about a week ago, and by this time in the cycle I have always felt my usual energy level and interest in life. (I know that sounds weird but when I am in the midst of a chemo hangover I could care less about the world. I can't talk on the phone, text, email and I can barely watch TV. It's not a fun place to be.) The great news is that I should not have to feel that way again!
This week starts week one of the next phase. On Friday I start a new cocktail, which will last for 12 weeks. My doc says it should not make me sick like the old stuff, which I hope is accurate because it will be every week for 12 weeks. Send me all the good vibes you can as I count down the summer!
My last chemo round (#4) was definitely better than the previous one. Although it always knocks me on my tush, I didn't want to crawl out of my skin like I did for #3. #4 lasted about the same number of days (Friday through Tuesday), and I started coming back to life Tuesday afternoon. That was about a week ago, and by this time in the cycle I have always felt my usual energy level and interest in life. (I know that sounds weird but when I am in the midst of a chemo hangover I could care less about the world. I can't talk on the phone, text, email and I can barely watch TV. It's not a fun place to be.) The great news is that I should not have to feel that way again!
This week starts week one of the next phase. On Friday I start a new cocktail, which will last for 12 weeks. My doc says it should not make me sick like the old stuff, which I hope is accurate because it will be every week for 12 weeks. Send me all the good vibes you can as I count down the summer!
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Angelina's Tawdy to the Pawdy
You have heard, of course, that Angelina Jolie is following in my footsteps? She is a bit late in her arrival but with all those kids and that gorgeous husband we will forgive her. (Can you imagine trying to care for all those children and trying to stare at your husband all the time, too? How does she get anything done? And doesn't the drool interfere with things? I shopped with Mr. Hotty at Big Lots once and then he took me for ice cream at Baskin Robbins afterwards and I sure couldn't eat. Ha - now we know how she keeps her gorgeous body...but I digress...and yes, that's true - Big Lots and Baskin Robbins right here in Metry! Okay so he didn't exactly take me there and maybe I was sort of stalking him once I saw him, but my memory is fuzzy...)
So let's move on from Sigourney Weaver to Angelina...what do she and I have in common? When I heard her interview, she answered the way any caring mother would. The answer that comes from a mother's heart and is the reason that we do so much of what we do. Why would you go through all of that/this/whatever if you didn't have to? The answer is so simple - I want to be here for my kids as long as possible. (Sorry, Brad, she didn't even mention you. But I bet your mother would.)
When I first heard my diagnosis, the only thing that scared me out of my mind was the possibility that my children would grow up without me. Without a mom at those recitals, school plays, graduations. Without a mom's input for life's important decisions. Drawing a line of symmetry in their lives...that was before/after my mom died. First dates, vacations, sweet sixteens. I thought back to a friend who died of cancer whose only desire was to sew the wedding dress for her teenager that she would never see her wear. So me and Angie...yep, we're tight like that.
Happy Belated Mother's Day to all my friends who are in sync with me and Angie. Here's a gift for you, but I have a disclaimer. Before I had children this poem used to make me sad. I honestly didn't get it. But I do now. Yes, I will die and leave my children one day. But in a perfect world, I will be old, wrinkly, and have a very full head of gray hair. I will leave knowing that I left the world a better place simply by bringing these two amazing beings into the world. And through them I will touch the future.
So let's move on from Sigourney Weaver to Angelina...what do she and I have in common? When I heard her interview, she answered the way any caring mother would. The answer that comes from a mother's heart and is the reason that we do so much of what we do. Why would you go through all of that/this/whatever if you didn't have to? The answer is so simple - I want to be here for my kids as long as possible. (Sorry, Brad, she didn't even mention you. But I bet your mother would.)
When I first heard my diagnosis, the only thing that scared me out of my mind was the possibility that my children would grow up without me. Without a mom at those recitals, school plays, graduations. Without a mom's input for life's important decisions. Drawing a line of symmetry in their lives...that was before/after my mom died. First dates, vacations, sweet sixteens. I thought back to a friend who died of cancer whose only desire was to sew the wedding dress for her teenager that she would never see her wear. So me and Angie...yep, we're tight like that.
Happy Belated Mother's Day to all my friends who are in sync with me and Angie. Here's a gift for you, but I have a disclaimer. Before I had children this poem used to make me sad. I honestly didn't get it. But I do now. Yes, I will die and leave my children one day. But in a perfect world, I will be old, wrinkly, and have a very full head of gray hair. I will leave knowing that I left the world a better place simply by bringing these two amazing beings into the world. And through them I will touch the future.
On Children
Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Friday Update
If you noticed that I missed a Friday Update, that would be because I was in a chemo haze that was the worst yet. Not only did I feel terrible but I was unable to sleep, which meant there was no escape. Thank goodness it ended and I was able to return to the land of the living this week.
Yesterday's blood work looked great and we are on track for the last round of cocktails for this phase of the journey. The great news is that this is it - one more and I will be celebrating. The not-so-great news is that there are still many more drugs to come; however, that has a silver lining in that the phase 2 cocktails are not supposed to make me feel as bad as the phase 1 cocktails. Stay tuned!
Yesterday's blood work looked great and we are on track for the last round of cocktails for this phase of the journey. The great news is that this is it - one more and I will be celebrating. The not-so-great news is that there are still many more drugs to come; however, that has a silver lining in that the phase 2 cocktails are not supposed to make me feel as bad as the phase 1 cocktails. Stay tuned!
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