Lessons Learned, Maya Angelou (1928-2014)

“I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
― Maya Angelou

The End of the Journey is in Sight

What a ride this last year and a half has been.  The closer I get to the finish line, the more I have to work at being patient with the process.  Let me tell ya, it gets old!  I am so tired of visiting hospitals (although I am grateful for the treatment that has me here) and I am tired of being a patient and thinking so much about how I am feeling.  I am just very antsy to be done and get my self back.  And that is the irony in all this for I wonder who that self will be. As John Green says, you can't know what an experience will mean to future you until you are future you. 

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”
― Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

With the exchange being made (expanders out and implants in), that is the last of the major surgeries.  All went well, I am getting my energy back, and am gearing up for summer.  The exchange process was fairly simple and the recovery was quick.  But I think this go round I may have gone to work too quickly because once I returned I was easily run down and had to take time off.  Anyone who knows me knows that I hate to be away from my classroom so I know I was not feeling right when I decided I had to stay home.   (Side note:  sometimes you don't realize how bad you feel until you feel better and then realize, "Oh, yeah, this is what I am supposed to feel like!")

The Big Question is now always, "How do They look?"  All I can say is that they look nothing like what I had after breastfeeding two babies for years.  They don't exactly look or feel like my own yet, but I sure better get the rest of my body in shape to match them.  My plastic surgeon is meticulous and attentive to every detail, and he has done an amazing job.  Just beautiful!  The next question is then, "What's left?"

I returned to my oncologist who says everything looks great as far as levels in my blood work, etc. so I started treatment again.  (I need 52 weeks of a drug called Herceptin.  Not a chemo drug.  No terrible side effects, just a sort of hangover that evening and the next day. Sometimes headache on and off, etc.)  While the end of May was once the end of the 52 weeks of treatment, surgery pushed it back another month so the end of June is the new bull's eye.  After that, I will get to have my port removed!  Woohoo!  So that surgery will hopefully be at the end of July.  My doc is so fabulous that he suggested removing the port and getting nipples in one surgery (who knew?) so that's what I'm hoping for if we can swing it.  It just means coordinating the general surgeon and the plastic surgeon on the same timeline.  That would be The End, The Grand Finale.  WOW!  I can't wait to have that scheduled.

Meanwhile, I am on the road to running again.  Actually just walking right now but the first morning I was able to just walk a few miles, I was just incredibly happy.  To be alone in the park after a run was always a highlight for me, and sitting there thinking about how long it had been made me so very grateful for my health and my strong body.  Gratitude is a very powerful emotion.  What are you grateful for today? 

Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth...
      

I Feel the Ice is Slowly Melting....

Another surgery can be checked off the list, which means I am that much closer to the end of the journey.  This one was the final Big One (meaning that there are other Little Ones to come but nothing like the Big Three.)  So I feel mostly relieved at what is already over and forever grateful that at some point in 2014 my body will belong to me again and not a team of doctors.  Honestly, I ache for the day when BC patient is not at the forefront of my identity.  But every day I remind myself of how long I have been on the journey (more than a year) and try to keep it in perspective.

So what's left?  The journey is at a standstill due to surgery so, while I still have treatments left, I can't restart them until my oncologist gives the green light and she says my body needs to rest for a bit.  I'm hopeful that treatments will be over at the end of June.  I also need nipples/tattoos or some combo of both (or neither?) but that will be discussed with my plastic surgeon in the coming weeks.  I'm not sure how I feel about nipples and/or tatts, and it depends on how much is involved in getting  them.  There comes a point where 1) they're not that important and 2) I don't want to be poked and prodded anymore.  So for now I am playing it by ear.  Once again, perspective.

I  leave you with some final thoughts on perspective brought to you from one of my favorite authors, John Green.  Hope the sun is beginning to brighten your journey, too.  

John Green's Perspective

   

Happy Spring!

As spring settles over New Orleans, the days are already warm, sunlight is plentiful, and we have spent many afternoons hanging in the park before dinner.  One of BC's gifts is that you recognize that each moment spent with your children is the opportunity to make a memory that will stick with them long after you are gone.  As we check on the status of the baby turtles in the pond or watch a heron stalk the fish beneath him, I'm reminded of one of my favorite videos.  Hope you like it, too.  Enjoy the spring!  

Gretchen Rubin's "The Years Are Short"

Happy Mardi Gras!

For those of you who are reading this from a city other than NOLA, I send you my condolences.  That means that you had a regular work week, your children were in school, and life coursed along as usual.  In New Orleans, it was quite a different story, and I don't mean to rub it in, but you missed out on a great party.  Happy Mardi Gras!  

2014 seems to be racing by already.  As the BC patient, I am thrilled.  It means the countdown continues to the end of treatments, which should be the end of May or beginning of June.  I did have an exact date in my head but my oncologist thwarted that plan because she wants to postpone treatment a week or two after April's surgery.  Delaying it even a week is frustrating when you've been counting down for 52 weeks but the alternative keeps me grateful and more than happy to suck it up.  

So, surgery in April is quite exciting!  It's set for April 17.  It means I'm reaching the end of the reconstruction phase as I get implants for spring break.  (Still appropriate even though I didn't get them for Mardi Gras as I had wished.)  My plastic surgeon says this should be much easier than the mastectomy so I'm ready.  Yet another countdown.  The expansion phase is over, and I'm back to literally feeling comfortable again in my own skin.  Very happy to be finished with that part of the journey!

I came across a site that I love called My BC Team, which has an app, too.  The site is just like Facebook but for women with BC.  If you know anyone who has been diagnosed, pass on the info because it's a wonderful place to connect with people who are on the journey and in a very easy way.  Lots of times you think you are crazy for feeling some kind of pain that makes no sense at all and My BC Team is a great place to throw out the strange questions.  When you post a question and several people answer you, it just confirms that you're not crazy in a way that a Google search can't.  (Are my eyes really twitching from chemo?  When will my insomnia go away?  Are my eyelashes really falling out AGAIN???)  It's also a place where you can go at any time of the day or night and get support however you need it.  Although other people can be wonderfully supportive, sometimes the only people who truly understand are the people who are ahead of you on the journey.  One of my favorite aspects of the app is the "hug" button; a virtual hug can sometimes make all the difference in the world from another Pink Warrior. 

From Mardi Gras to spring... I am so ready! 

I am coming, I am coming!
Hark! the honey bee is humming;
See, the lark is soaring high
In the blue and sunny sky,
And the gnats are on the wing
Wheeling round in airy ring.

-from The Voice of Spring by Mary Howitt

2014...Ready or Not

I am often grateful for the little things, and today that means taking a long, hot shower.  It's amazing how powerful and restorative it can be for your body and your mind.  I am delighted to welcome 2014 with a clean set of jammies and a feeling of being able to care for myself. 

My last doc visit went well.  All is on track.  My only disappointment was that things are going to drag on a little longer than I had hoped.  Next surgery can't take place for at least three months just to give my body time to heal so that means that it will have to be spring break.  (Well, implants can still be appropriate for that holiday as well so the count down continues.)  So the schedule is now visit my favorite plastic surgeon every two weeks, regular treatments still ongoing every three weeks, oncologist every six weeks, cardiology every nine weeks...(being a patient can be a full time job in itself.)  Reconstruction involves expanding the skin over a period of time with a series of injections, which is why I have to visit my plastic surgeon regularly.  (No, it doesn't hurt at all.  It can just be a bit uncomfortable because the skin is pretty tight.)   

FAQ What treatment do you have every three weeks?
I started a treatment called Herceptin on June 7, 2013.  (It was one of the drugs that I got at the same time as some of the chemo drugs.)  The protocol for this drug is 52 weeks, which means that I will continue with this particular drug until June 7, 2014. 

FAQ #2 What are the side effects?
For me, Herceptin has not had any side effects.  Yahoo!  I am also given Benadryl at the same time to prevent any allergic reactions and that makes me feel sleepy and drunk the moment it hits my system.  I sleep it off and am usually fine the next day, although sometimes there is a bit of a hangover. 

FAQ #3 Did they remove the port when you had the second mastectomy?
No, I have to keep the port because it's still in use until the Herceptin treatments end in June.   That will be the final procedure.

FAQ #4 Why do you have to see cardiology?
So far so good but every nine weeks they check to make sure that the Herceptin is not causing heart problems.  I love that my oncologist is very conservative about all this so it's not something that I worry about too much.

It's New Year's Eve and who knows what 2014 will bring.  Last week a friend was diagnosed with cancer but she was not a lucky lottery winner like I was.  She heard those miserable words involving a few months.  About the same time, another friend found out that she is going to have a long-awaited baby.  She is understandably ecstatic.  Both of these friends inhabit the same little corner of the planet but their experiences in 2014 will be incredibly different.  Their journeys will intersect with mine and put me on a slightly altered course as a result.  And that right there is the meaning of life.  May we each recognize the gifts that are walking alongside us in 2014.         

Click here for a little New Year's gift from one of my favorite people, Diana Nyad. 

A Holly Jolly Update

Surgery went as planned on Monday and I even got to go home that same afternoon.  I actually feel pretty good!  This time around is much easier than the first mastectomy because no lymph nodes needed to be removed.  It means I have use of my right hand and arm, and that's made a huge difference.  I also think my frame of mind is so much better that it helps with recovery, too.  This time there are no pathology reports to wait on to see what stage, where is the cancer, what will treatment be, and during all that waiting your mind automatically goes to the worst end of the spectrum, thinking of all the horrible scenarios that could play out.   This time the only thing ahead of me is a pair of beautiful implants and a day at the beach.  So for now I head back to the doc every week or so while my skin expands and will get the implants around Mardi Gras.  How appropriate!