Inspiration

My last post seems like years ago.  Since July, I had the final phase of surgery (which means that now I have nipples.)  The whole procedure was very easy, and my surgeons were able to kill two birds with one stone because my port was also removed during the same surgery.  Recovery was not bad at all; I just had to stay dry and not move around too much for a few weeks.  We actually went on vacation during that time, but it was a good excuse to sit and read while my hubby took the kids to the pool.  I was in heaven looking at the water from the balcony and racing through a stack of books!  I am delighted to write that there are no planned surgeries in my future or any invasive procedures of any kind!  Tattoos are scheduled for this month, and I hear that that's fairly easy with minimal discomfort.  That will be It!     

So, life has resumed and is returning back to normal (as in pre-BC.)  I have energy once again and feel terrific.   There are now days where I don't have to think about doctors, appointments, treatments, or how I am feeling (because it's always good!)  I no longer have to take meds for side effects like neuropathy and my hands/feet no longer tingle or hurt.  (That was a big one!)  I am now on a four month schedule with my oncologist and a six month schedule with my OBGYN (because the meds that can keep BC at bay can also cause ovarian cancer.  Oy vey!)  My last visit to both docs was a birthday trip in October where I received the best gift ever - blood work  and tests were all clear!     

People now often say things like, "You're such an inspiration" or something along those lines.  I think not.  My story is one of the easy ones.  One of the joyful tales of cancer.  Caught early.  Treated by medical professionals who know what they are doing.  Clear margins.  No remaining evidence.  Each and every day I think about all the stories that don't end this way.  I think about the gift that I've been given, I think about how random life is, I think about the fact that it can all be over in an instant and for whatever reason, I have a future when so many others don't.  So I leave you with a real tale of inspiration instead.

A friend passed on the book Life in a Jar by Jack Mayer.  (I love getting book recs - it tells you so much about the person!)  This book tells the story of Irena Sendler and how her story was made public by three high school students.  In a nutshell, Sendler rescued 2,500 children during the Holocaust but it was kept very quiet by the Polish government until the story was researched further by a few girls in Kansas.  An amazing story and an incredible woman!  In spite of the Hallmark clips, I hope she inspires you.

Click here to view the Irena Sendler video.  

"Who changes one person, changes the whole world."
                                                      -Jewish Talmud

Cramming the Daylight Hours

I haven't updated in a while because life is wonderfully full and incredibly busy!  I am delighted to write that I have a terrific amount of energy again, and I find that I enjoy cramming the daylight hours with as much as possible.  I am currently working the infant room at summer camp in an attempt to get my baby fix.  (No, the dog didn't work.)  I am completely addicted to MOOCs (massive open online courses) and have taken part in some fascinating classes like The Music of the Beatles, Moralities in Everyday Life, and Human Genetics.  (Coursera is a great app for this, if you're interested.)  I am volunteering again in my free time and am learning all about the workings of Second Harvest Food Bank.  (Like my 8-year-old says, what's more important than food?)  I am able to read, read, read again and am plowing through some of my own choices, along with some recommendations from my teen.  (That is so fun!)  All of this put together makes me feel like screaming, "I AM BACK!"  Well, the updated version is here anyway...I will never be Version 1.0 again.  Like those old Greeks said, no man ever steps in the same river twice because it's not the same river and he's not the same man (or woman.)  But Me-Version 2.0 is almost complete!   

I completed My Very Last Treatment on June 27th.  Before I was hooked up, I had a conversation with my nurse about my port because it seemed to be showing more of itself as of late and I was a little worried about it shifting around under my skin.  A really nice guy in the chair next to me started talking to me about all the issues he had had with his port and how it was so troublesome that he was now on port #2, which was also beginning to give him trouble.  I am grateful for the gifts given to me every day; in almost 2 years, my port has never given me pain or trouble with my meds in any way.  My last treatment was delightfully uneventful, which means that I am finished!  My oncologist said all is well, and the port can now be removed so that is scheduled for July 21st.  Six days and counting...  

During the 7/21 surgery, I will also get one of the last phases of reconstruction done at that same time.  (Am I allowed to write about nipples on Blogger?)  My final lady parts will be created by my amazing plastic surgeon (and then the only thing left will be tatts to complete the look.)  A friend recently asked, "Wait - are you nipple-less right now???"  It's hard to picture I'm sure, but what I currently have are implants under skin with massively huge scars in diagonal lines across each breast and no nipples because those were also removed during the mastectomies.  The new-fake nipples will be created with skin flaps cut along the scar line and folded outward into a sort of pouch.  (The tattoos will be last which will provide the appropriate coloring.)  The whole procedure is actually quite amazing and fascinating.  The end is rapidly approaching.  Still hard to imagine!

One of the hard things about cancer is that it really messes with your mind.  You have to work hard to dwell in the now and not get caught up in the what-ifs of the past and/or future.  It takes active work a lot of the time but fortunately it can also wax and wane.  So until next time, I leave you with one article and one song that will tell you where my head is at this point.  It's a great place to be; I am full of joy at being this far along the journey and this healthy.  


The article is about the life of Nelson Mandela; it's about how he survived his emotional and physical journey all those years.  Click here.  

The song is by Natalie Merchant and is an oldie but a goodie.  When I hear it I am reminded to relish every minute.  May you "know it's true, that you are blessed and lucky" and feel it in your heart.    Click here. 

  

Lessons Learned, Maya Angelou (1928-2014)

“I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
― Maya Angelou

The End of the Journey is in Sight

What a ride this last year and a half has been.  The closer I get to the finish line, the more I have to work at being patient with the process.  Let me tell ya, it gets old!  I am so tired of visiting hospitals (although I am grateful for the treatment that has me here) and I am tired of being a patient and thinking so much about how I am feeling.  I am just very antsy to be done and get my self back.  And that is the irony in all this for I wonder who that self will be. As John Green says, you can't know what an experience will mean to future you until you are future you. 

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”
― Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

With the exchange being made (expanders out and implants in), that is the last of the major surgeries.  All went well, I am getting my energy back, and am gearing up for summer.  The exchange process was fairly simple and the recovery was quick.  But I think this go round I may have gone to work too quickly because once I returned I was easily run down and had to take time off.  Anyone who knows me knows that I hate to be away from my classroom so I know I was not feeling right when I decided I had to stay home.   (Side note:  sometimes you don't realize how bad you feel until you feel better and then realize, "Oh, yeah, this is what I am supposed to feel like!")

The Big Question is now always, "How do They look?"  All I can say is that they look nothing like what I had after breastfeeding two babies for years.  They don't exactly look or feel like my own yet, but I sure better get the rest of my body in shape to match them.  My plastic surgeon is meticulous and attentive to every detail, and he has done an amazing job.  Just beautiful!  The next question is then, "What's left?"

I returned to my oncologist who says everything looks great as far as levels in my blood work, etc. so I started treatment again.  (I need 52 weeks of a drug called Herceptin.  Not a chemo drug.  No terrible side effects, just a sort of hangover that evening and the next day. Sometimes headache on and off, etc.)  While the end of May was once the end of the 52 weeks of treatment, surgery pushed it back another month so the end of June is the new bull's eye.  After that, I will get to have my port removed!  Woohoo!  So that surgery will hopefully be at the end of July.  My doc is so fabulous that he suggested removing the port and getting nipples in one surgery (who knew?) so that's what I'm hoping for if we can swing it.  It just means coordinating the general surgeon and the plastic surgeon on the same timeline.  That would be The End, The Grand Finale.  WOW!  I can't wait to have that scheduled.

Meanwhile, I am on the road to running again.  Actually just walking right now but the first morning I was able to just walk a few miles, I was just incredibly happy.  To be alone in the park after a run was always a highlight for me, and sitting there thinking about how long it had been made me so very grateful for my health and my strong body.  Gratitude is a very powerful emotion.  What are you grateful for today? 

Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth...
      

I Feel the Ice is Slowly Melting....

Another surgery can be checked off the list, which means I am that much closer to the end of the journey.  This one was the final Big One (meaning that there are other Little Ones to come but nothing like the Big Three.)  So I feel mostly relieved at what is already over and forever grateful that at some point in 2014 my body will belong to me again and not a team of doctors.  Honestly, I ache for the day when BC patient is not at the forefront of my identity.  But every day I remind myself of how long I have been on the journey (more than a year) and try to keep it in perspective.

So what's left?  The journey is at a standstill due to surgery so, while I still have treatments left, I can't restart them until my oncologist gives the green light and she says my body needs to rest for a bit.  I'm hopeful that treatments will be over at the end of June.  I also need nipples/tattoos or some combo of both (or neither?) but that will be discussed with my plastic surgeon in the coming weeks.  I'm not sure how I feel about nipples and/or tatts, and it depends on how much is involved in getting  them.  There comes a point where 1) they're not that important and 2) I don't want to be poked and prodded anymore.  So for now I am playing it by ear.  Once again, perspective.

I  leave you with some final thoughts on perspective brought to you from one of my favorite authors, John Green.  Hope the sun is beginning to brighten your journey, too.  

John Green's Perspective

   

Happy Spring!

As spring settles over New Orleans, the days are already warm, sunlight is plentiful, and we have spent many afternoons hanging in the park before dinner.  One of BC's gifts is that you recognize that each moment spent with your children is the opportunity to make a memory that will stick with them long after you are gone.  As we check on the status of the baby turtles in the pond or watch a heron stalk the fish beneath him, I'm reminded of one of my favorite videos.  Hope you like it, too.  Enjoy the spring!  

Gretchen Rubin's "The Years Are Short"

Happy Mardi Gras!

For those of you who are reading this from a city other than NOLA, I send you my condolences.  That means that you had a regular work week, your children were in school, and life coursed along as usual.  In New Orleans, it was quite a different story, and I don't mean to rub it in, but you missed out on a great party.  Happy Mardi Gras!  

2014 seems to be racing by already.  As the BC patient, I am thrilled.  It means the countdown continues to the end of treatments, which should be the end of May or beginning of June.  I did have an exact date in my head but my oncologist thwarted that plan because she wants to postpone treatment a week or two after April's surgery.  Delaying it even a week is frustrating when you've been counting down for 52 weeks but the alternative keeps me grateful and more than happy to suck it up.  

So, surgery in April is quite exciting!  It's set for April 17.  It means I'm reaching the end of the reconstruction phase as I get implants for spring break.  (Still appropriate even though I didn't get them for Mardi Gras as I had wished.)  My plastic surgeon says this should be much easier than the mastectomy so I'm ready.  Yet another countdown.  The expansion phase is over, and I'm back to literally feeling comfortable again in my own skin.  Very happy to be finished with that part of the journey!

I came across a site that I love called My BC Team, which has an app, too.  The site is just like Facebook but for women with BC.  If you know anyone who has been diagnosed, pass on the info because it's a wonderful place to connect with people who are on the journey and in a very easy way.  Lots of times you think you are crazy for feeling some kind of pain that makes no sense at all and My BC Team is a great place to throw out the strange questions.  When you post a question and several people answer you, it just confirms that you're not crazy in a way that a Google search can't.  (Are my eyes really twitching from chemo?  When will my insomnia go away?  Are my eyelashes really falling out AGAIN???)  It's also a place where you can go at any time of the day or night and get support however you need it.  Although other people can be wonderfully supportive, sometimes the only people who truly understand are the people who are ahead of you on the journey.  One of my favorite aspects of the app is the "hug" button; a virtual hug can sometimes make all the difference in the world from another Pink Warrior. 

From Mardi Gras to spring... I am so ready! 

I am coming, I am coming!
Hark! the honey bee is humming;
See, the lark is soaring high
In the blue and sunny sky,
And the gnats are on the wing
Wheeling round in airy ring.

-from The Voice of Spring by Mary Howitt

2014...Ready or Not

I am often grateful for the little things, and today that means taking a long, hot shower.  It's amazing how powerful and restorative it can be for your body and your mind.  I am delighted to welcome 2014 with a clean set of jammies and a feeling of being able to care for myself. 

My last doc visit went well.  All is on track.  My only disappointment was that things are going to drag on a little longer than I had hoped.  Next surgery can't take place for at least three months just to give my body time to heal so that means that it will have to be spring break.  (Well, implants can still be appropriate for that holiday as well so the count down continues.)  So the schedule is now visit my favorite plastic surgeon every two weeks, regular treatments still ongoing every three weeks, oncologist every six weeks, cardiology every nine weeks...(being a patient can be a full time job in itself.)  Reconstruction involves expanding the skin over a period of time with a series of injections, which is why I have to visit my plastic surgeon regularly.  (No, it doesn't hurt at all.  It can just be a bit uncomfortable because the skin is pretty tight.)   

FAQ What treatment do you have every three weeks?
I started a treatment called Herceptin on June 7, 2013.  (It was one of the drugs that I got at the same time as some of the chemo drugs.)  The protocol for this drug is 52 weeks, which means that I will continue with this particular drug until June 7, 2014. 

FAQ #2 What are the side effects?
For me, Herceptin has not had any side effects.  Yahoo!  I am also given Benadryl at the same time to prevent any allergic reactions and that makes me feel sleepy and drunk the moment it hits my system.  I sleep it off and am usually fine the next day, although sometimes there is a bit of a hangover. 

FAQ #3 Did they remove the port when you had the second mastectomy?
No, I have to keep the port because it's still in use until the Herceptin treatments end in June.   That will be the final procedure.

FAQ #4 Why do you have to see cardiology?
So far so good but every nine weeks they check to make sure that the Herceptin is not causing heart problems.  I love that my oncologist is very conservative about all this so it's not something that I worry about too much.

It's New Year's Eve and who knows what 2014 will bring.  Last week a friend was diagnosed with cancer but she was not a lucky lottery winner like I was.  She heard those miserable words involving a few months.  About the same time, another friend found out that she is going to have a long-awaited baby.  She is understandably ecstatic.  Both of these friends inhabit the same little corner of the planet but their experiences in 2014 will be incredibly different.  Their journeys will intersect with mine and put me on a slightly altered course as a result.  And that right there is the meaning of life.  May we each recognize the gifts that are walking alongside us in 2014.         

Click here for a little New Year's gift from one of my favorite people, Diana Nyad. 

A Holly Jolly Update

Surgery went as planned on Monday and I even got to go home that same afternoon.  I actually feel pretty good!  This time around is much easier than the first mastectomy because no lymph nodes needed to be removed.  It means I have use of my right hand and arm, and that's made a huge difference.  I also think my frame of mind is so much better that it helps with recovery, too.  This time there are no pathology reports to wait on to see what stage, where is the cancer, what will treatment be, and during all that waiting your mind automatically goes to the worst end of the spectrum, thinking of all the horrible scenarios that could play out.   This time the only thing ahead of me is a pair of beautiful implants and a day at the beach.  So for now I head back to the doc every week or so while my skin expands and will get the implants around Mardi Gras.  How appropriate!  

Twas the Night Before Surgery...

The weeks roll by pretty quickly as I move from one treatment to another.  I just passed the 27th week, which means that I now only have 25 weeks of treatment left!  (Not that I'm counting or anything.)  And my counting confused many people as I was so excited after completing chemo that many people thought I was finished with all treatment.  Not quite.  So yes, chemo is finished but no, all treatment is not completely finished.  Don't feel bad if you can't keep up.  It's complicated unless you are doing the counting - then it's just a simple matter of weeks. 

So, more confusion to add to the mix...yes, mastectomy is tomorrow but no, it's not because I have cancer in my other breast.  It's prophylactic as they say and yes, it was my choice.  This go round is much easier than the last because of that - the waiting for results is a killer - and also because it's been well planned in advance.  Other little details are great, too, like the fact that without much hair I won't have to worry about not being able to wash or dry it for a while!

So in case I am out of it for a while, Merry Everything and here's to an UNeventful 2014!  And remember what Ferris Bueller says..."Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."  Don't miss it!  

...it's my birthday, too, yeah...

I had a birthday recently and so many great reasons to celebrate.  After all, here I am, healthy in mind, body, and spirit.  I stopped celebrating years ago, always thinking what's the fuss.  Been there, done that, right?  But that was pre-BC.  Now it's more like, "Start the party!  Bring the wine (or cocktail of choice!)  Here I am!"  There are reasons to celebrate every day.  I think little kids have the right idea; I shall be celebrating half birthdays, too!    

Cancer changes your perspective on everything from birthdays to a government shut down.  I now  have little tolerance for self-inflicted wounds or the intolerance of other people.  Like Tim McGraw says, if tomorrow was a gift, what would you do with it?  Most people are not fortunate enough to face that question and come out on the other side unscathed in order to enjoy the gift.  I am grateful for This Birthday and all those that are to come (including the half versions)...let me count the ways...

Thirteen Things I am grateful to be without...
bleeding gums and other mouth issues
dry eyes (the kind where your lids actually stick together) 
nausea/vomiting/diarrhea
an upset stomach when I eat
an upset stomach when I don't eat
an upset stomach when dairy comes near
tiredness
lethargy
exhaustion
night sweats
insomnia 
a scalp that hurts to touch (even when you place it ever so gently on a pillow)
HAIR LOSS!!!!

What remains is very easy but continues to be a weird mix of chemo-randomness - toxic fingernails that are quickly growing out, joint pain in my ankles and sometimes wrists, and neuropathy in hands and feet which does get better every day.  (I wore shoes one day this week for the first time in months; yes, I am also grateful that I work in a place where I can wander around in socks instead of shoes and people not only think it's great but they give me presents of socks-they-think-I-will-love!)  

My cancerous scarlet letter is fading as the hair begins to grow.  I have eyebrows, eyelashes, and a scalp akin to a Chia pet, only jet black rather than green.  I realize that in a few months the hair will be long enough where people will begin to think that I simply have a short hair cut.  I wonder what it will be like when there is no outward sign of my canceriffic life.  Will it be like getting used to not being pregnant any more?  If you've never been pregnant, when you have a huge belly and a growing baby the public adores you.  People become nicer, friendlier, willing to share stories - they see you as a kindred spirit if they are a parent, and they want to protect you, help you, coddle you.  Life is similar as a chemo patient because you wear that scarlet letter on your bald head and once again, much of the public views you with empathy and warmth.  (A side note - Alas, some people do not fit this description and view you freakishly; these people deserve the tongue lashing that they get.  I feel it's my duty to educate them.) 

"That was the worst thing about having cancer, sometimes: the physical evidence of disease separates you from other people. We were irreconcilably other..."                -John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

So what will life morph into in the coming hairy months?  Stay tuned.  Right now I will ride the cancer gravy train while the world sees me as The Cancer Patient, first and foremost.  You can't fight the tide all the time.  Meanwhile, I continue to have treatment every three weeks, take a new pill daily, and I see a slew of docs on a regular basis to ensure that nothing to keep me cancer-free will cause some other variation.  So far so good and luckily I love my team of amazing MDs.  Also, the countdown to mastectomy #2 continues - about a month away!   

My teenage daughter recently recommended a book that I read twice in succession because it was that good.  John Green's The Fault in Our Stars is an intense, emotional read and hard to believe that that's what the adolescent crowd is reading these days.  For better or worse, today's teens are incredibly sophisticated.  It is a story of first love that also happens to revolve around terminal illness and is incredibly deep and powerful as it reflects on the meaning of life and love.  It was a book that stuck with me long after the reading, and I collected many quotes from it, like the one above.  Green's protagonist notes, "Sometimes it seems the universe wants to be noticed."  Yes, indeed.  I now notice The Universe like never before.  Happy Birthday to me and to you!

Very Quick Update

Post-chemo things continue to roll along with few changes as of right now.  That means side effects are still around but energy is growing bit by bit.  Hair is coming in on my head but still coming out from eyelashes and eyebrows.  Basically, my body is quite confused but trying hard to get back to normal.  Treatment in the office every three weeks continues, and the next mastectomy is scheduled for December 16th - woohoo!  One more phase coming to an end soon!   

PS - Don't read anything into the short post...I know I'm usually much more long-winded than this but no, it doesn't mean anything's wrong.  Just close to my bedtime and I want to get back to a fabulous read.  Happy Fall! 

Decapitation

Yes, I am going to write about decapitation but not mine, don't worry.  First, a quick update. 

While I have finished with chemo (Yay! Hurrah! Huzzah! etc.), the side effects continue and honestly, that is quite aggravating.  Yes, my doc told me they could last from a week to a year (and then some), but that's not what I heard in my head.  What I heard was, "Usually this is what happens, but YOU are SO unique and SO special that your side effects will stop at once."  After all, she actually told me once that I was a "fine specimen" and another time she said that she was "tickled pink" with how well I was doing and that I was an "overachiever" in the realm of breast cancer.  (Yes, she really talks that way and I love it!)  But alas, I am inside the bell curve concerning side effects so the fun continues.  It isn't awful, in fact it's not that bad, but after seven months I am more than bored with the whole patient thing. 

The current schedule is a non-chemo treatment every three weeks, which began August 30th and will continue through June 2014.  It lasts less than two hours and so far I have no side effects from this type at all.  I just get sleepy because I receive it with Benadryl (via the port) and apparently I'm a lightweight when it comes to these meds.  After getting the sleep I crave, it's all good. 

So, getting back to decapitation...I came across a great study this summer concerning the memory of planaria.  These are flatworms that are used a lot in research labs, and they can regenerate parts of their bodies.  After decapitating planaria, researchers at Tufts found that these flatworms could regenerate not only their heads/brains, but their memories as well.  (If you are wondering how a human could possibly know that a planarian actually had any memories at all,  you are getting off track but I will humor you because I was enthralled...apparently the researchers "trained" the worms to disregard bright light, which they don't like, in order to reach a food source and then off with their heads.  After two weeks the heads/brains regenerated and researchers put them through the same bright light trials to see what they "remembered."  The short version is that within a short period of time the planaria recalled the food source and got to it.)  This made me so happy!  If a worm can get its memory back, that means I can, too!  I often feel like I've lost my head these days so I look forward to regenerating my brain (and other body parts) in the months to come.  

So long as the memory of certain beloved friends lives in my heart, I shall say that life is good.               -Helen Keller 

PS to all my environmentally sensitive friends out there:  no worms were harmed in the writing of this post, so please direct all complaints to the biologists at Tufts University. 

Another Phase Complete

I am falling asleep as I receive The Last Chemo Cocktail! There is more to come on the journey but this is phase is officially over!!! If my body could handle it you would see me running laps and jumping for joy. Know that I am celebrating on the inside and I can't wait to have a proper celebration in the near future! Going to sleep with a smile on my face and gratitude in my heart. Much love to all those who have gotten me through the last 24 weeks.

 

Posted with Blogsy

I've Got A Secret

Proceed with caution.  Before you begin reading I must tell you that the news I am about to reveal may disturb some of you.  Consider yourself warned.

I have a confession to make.  I was caught fondling school supplies by an Office Depot employee last week.  While my daughter was searching for the perfect binder, I was caressing the notebooks and feeling the weight of the paper, fantasizing about what my handwriting would look like between the margins.  Yes, I also own a label maker, and use it to its fullest potential in many different settings.  Not surprisingly, in order to mask my addiction, I went into teaching so that I could appear reputable, all the while hiding the fact that I found great pleasure in retractable Sharpies and reveled in Super Sticky Post-it Notes.  Now you (and the Office Depot employees) know my secret: I am a school supply junkie.

And so it makes sense that this is my favorite time of year.  Sharpened pencils, the smell of a brand new dry erase marker...I could go on and on.  But there are other reasons, too.  There's the fact that I work in a place where it's hard to get anything done the week before school starts because the adults are very busy catching up after being apart for so long.  There's the fact that many of us have been together through weddings, funerals, babies, and illnesses and are connected on many levels.  There's the fact that they stimulate and challenge me intellectually, support me emotionally, and some just make me laugh when I need it or when I least expect it.  They are more than ready to celebrate with me as this phase of the journey draws to a close in the coming weeks, and I certainly look forward to it.  Until then, I will continue the countdown and give thanks for the daily presence of the people who surround me most of the year (nestled among the school supplies.)

In case you have lost count I am happy to report that I only have 2 treatments to go, which means that I have survived 22 weeks of Chemo Cocktails!  (I cannot begin to put into words how ecstatic I am about that!)  Side effects continue, and the strangest one at the moment is termed chemo-induced peripheral neuropathy, which basically means that my fingers and toes can tingle, hurt, react to heat (as in a shower), etc.  The good news is that my oncologist gave me a prescription for it, which not only works really well, but also causes sedation.  Since one of my other side effects has been insomnia, it has balanced out my sleeping!  I also have a teeny bit of stubble on my head.  Another wave of ecstasy.  (That ranks right up there with beautifully patterned file folders but sssshhhh, don't tell!)  

A Tale of Two Babies

The world was all abuzz this week over the birth of a baby.  One baby boy in particular.  One prince that will lead a life surrounded by wealth, luxury, and power.  On the day of his birth, I came across another baby who had a very different life.  Stopping at a red light, I pulled my car up behind a van and noticed the Nevada license plate.  Then I read the sticker across the back windshield in honor of Connor Dean Lawrence.  As I sat there thinking about who Connor might have been, I saw the dates and even my chemo-brain could count to two.  Connor was only two when he died.  I have no idea why but I was compelled to find out how he had died.  I was actually thinking that he must have had some horrible childhood form of cancer, and I was grateful at that moment that I had been the one diagnosed with it and not my children.  But Connor was not killed by any disease; he was killed at the hands of "his mother's estranged husband," said the Internet.  (The murderer is currently serving a life sentence without parole.)  That brings me back to the first thoughts I had on beginning this journey:  life is so random.  One baby is born into such privilege and another baby is brutally murdered.  I have the potential to walk away from this completely unscathed, while some of my cocktail buddies can't even receive their treatments because their blood counts don't allow it.  (I hadn't even realized that this is, of course, a possibility each week; it has just never happened to me.)  Baby George & Baby Connor.  Me & those whose journeys are not so light. 

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair..."     
- Charles Dickens

So my journey continues and I am grateful to be in "the season of light and the spring of hope."  I have four weeks to go and the worst part is the insomnia and upset stomachs, not much to complain about in the grand scheme of things.  AND my hair appears to be coming in!  Although my head looks like the back of a baby elephant, there do appear to be little sprouts, even while the eyebrows and eyelashes continue to fall out.  Randomness all around.  And plenty of gratitude. 

I leave you with another of my favorite TED Talks.  Click here to watch Tania Luna.

July's Latest Update

Things continue to roll along pretty smoothly.  I am officially halfway through the second round and look forward to this Friday because it will be number 7 out of 12!  So much of this battle is psychological so it helps to say it's halfway over and then chemo will be done.  Round 2 almost over!  Meanwhile, there are no major side effects to speak of.  Nothing that knocks me out but rather a host of itty bitty irritants...eyelid twitching, sensitive stomach, night sweats, continued hair loss, insomnia...there are meds for the side effects of the meds already taken, but I have no desire to put more meds into a body that is already full of 'em.   

Instead I do things like stay awake all night and watch educational shows at 2am like Honey Boo Boo and Duck Dynasty.  Interesting.  I think about things like common themes...(you'd think that I was writing a thesis or something, although I'm sure there is a sociology program out there that would grant me a PhD for it...)  Both of these shows ultimately depict two families that love each other and love being together.  They have fun, take care of each other, and laugh a lot - a great recipe for happiness.  Many American families could learn a lot from them.  (You just have to ignore the fart jokes and potty talk and lots of other stuff!)  I've also enjoyed the naked shows on the Discovery Channel - Naked & Afraid, Naked Castaway - no, I'm not making those titles up - in the middle of the night they are quite entertaining.  Much more so than the show about the bubonic plague that I got caught up in on the History Channel.  (Did you know that in dealing with the Black Death in Europe thousands of Jews were killed as those in power thought they might win God's favor by doing so? I learned some gruesome facts that made it even harder to sleep after that.)          

Lest you think I am squandering my remaining brain cells on TV all summer, please know that reading is my primary task these days.  While I'm not lethargic the way I was with round 1, the weekly cocktails keep me on the edge of tiredness all the time.  I am more than happy to crawl into bed with a good book at any time of day, and I've gotten through quite a few over the last few weeks.  I am grateful for the time to let my body rest whenever it needs to and for the workings of my brain which finds reading possible and enjoyable again. 

As I countdown to August 23rd and The Last Cocktail, I am also excited about the next phase, the second mastectomy.  I recently met with my oncologist and my plastic surgeon, and we are beginning to talk about future possibilities.  The plan is finish with chemo, get all my counts back to normal and give my body a rest, and then complete the mastectomy as soon as possible after that.  I am also done with echocardiograms, which means that my heart is strong and survived chemo!  It feels like there is an end to the journey in sight! 

Second Round Update

Version 2.0 continues to roll along and life is good!  I'll go in for the third treatment tomorrow (3 out of 12), so I continue to count down with no nausea, headaches, or real sickness to speak of.  In addition, some of my brain is coming back to life so the journey has begun to lighten in several ways! 

My attention span and short term memory were hijacked by chemo many moons ago.  The scientific term for this is "chemo-brain."  (No, not really, but it should be.)  Its quite unnerving to be an avid reader who suddenly can't get through a sentence.  To find that once you could read four books at once but seemingly overnight you wouldn't be able to keep track of the antics of Dick and Jane.  Luckily my Dickens book club is on summer break anyway, and I am not quite ready for non-fiction, which I typically love.  But I have eased back into fiction and have fallen in love with reading again.  Not only that, but I have fallen in love with libraries and with turn-the-pages-smelling-of-musty-linen real-life books! 

Since I bought a Kindle I haven't read any other way unless it was on my iPad.  But just in case I was actually unable to finish a book, I decided to hit the library instead.  (Side note:  I've never been a fan of libraries.  I know - sounds weird for a reader but a bibliophile such as me likes to own, collect, possess, reread at a moment's notice.  You want to see it on your shelf, touch it...and then you run out of room!  So the Kindle then comes in quite handy because you still get to own it, refer back to it, and even zoom in on your favorite highlights.)  But since this was experimental I hit the library instead and fell head over heels.  I rediscovered some old flames like Wally Lamb, Pat Conroy, and John Irving, and my current love is Khaled Hosseini.  I am enjoying turning every page and so grateful that I want to.  I look for evidence of the "old me" wherever I can, and it feels so good to have this part of me back again! 

(I read this one twice!)

“I cannot remember a time when I was not in love with them--with the books themselves, cover and binding and the paper they were printed on, with their smell and their weight and with their possession in my arms, captured and carried off to myself.”                                   
                                                                                                 -Eudora Welty

Cocktails 2.0

The new round of cocktails has begun.  Version 2.0 is quite lovely compared to the first mix!  I went in about 10am and left about 3pm.  I have to admit that I did feel nauseous while I was there, but I think it was just anxiety about what was to come.  (Have I mentioned that I've watched 3 people get carried out on stretchers while I've been there for chemo?  It's quite unsettling and has made my anxiety increase over time.  But don't worry, there's a drug for that, too!)  They loaded me with enough drugs to knock me out, and following treatment I went right home and slept it off.  The great news is that I didn't feel many side effects at all so I am thrilled about that. 

Now, the cumulative side effects are really getting old, and I am so bored with all the physical stuff.  I try not to think about them too much because no one issue is really a big deal, but focusing on your body all the time is just tedious and dull.  Amazingly enough, as wacky as the side effects can be, the fact that there is something new every day has become very predictable....a lovely purple hue under my fingernails, eyelashes falling out, uncomfortably dry eyes...blah blah blah.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone 'cause it sure ain't fun, but can someone please tell Angelina that mastectomies are the EASY part?  Looking forward to my second! 
    

Update & The New Leg of the Journey

Sorry for the very late Friday update.  I think I missed several Fridays, in fact, but the life of a teacher is crazy in May!  Throw chemo in there and life really gets exciting!  We are still in the midst of faculty meetings, etc. so I'm not done yet but wanted to post a quick update. 

My last chemo round (#4) was definitely better than the previous one.  Although it always knocks me on my tush, I didn't want to crawl out of my skin like I did for #3.  #4 lasted about the same number of days (Friday through Tuesday), and I started coming back to life Tuesday afternoon.  That was about a week ago, and by this time in the cycle I have always felt my usual energy level and interest in life.  (I know that sounds weird but when I am in the midst of a chemo hangover I could care less about the world.  I can't talk on the phone, text, email and I can barely watch TV.  It's not a fun place to be.)  The great news is that I should not have to feel that way again! 

This week starts week one of the next phase.  On Friday I start a new cocktail, which will last for 12 weeks.  My doc says it should not make me sick like the old stuff, which I hope is accurate because it will be every week for 12 weeks.  Send me all the good vibes you can as I count down the summer!